Who really killed JFK?
by A Rose By Any Other Name
Summary: Why did Duke Roger go insane? And who really killed JFK? There's loads of evidence to prove that Oswald wasn't alone... but no-one thought of these theories. The first one's TP, the other isn't. Read it to find out... WHO KILLED JOHN F KENNEDY
1. Duke Roger

A/N  I will update everything else soon, as I doubt this can possibly have a sequel (although I am thinking of another theory…'Energizer Bunny Kills Kennedy').  Sorry for the lack of updates etc, I'm in the middle of exams.  I know this 'theory' (for want of a better term) sounds like an essay, but bear with me here.  You ought to find it interesting…

**Disclaimer:  I own neither Tortall, Duke Roger, or John F Kennedy.  No offence is intended to the former president of the US.  **

Who Killed JFK?  

The Warren Commission's official verdict was that Lee Harvey Oswald killed John F Kennedy.  But there is so much evidence that points otherwise that this ludicrous theory is promptly disproved.  

The medical, ballistic, and acoustic evidence all points to the fact that Oswald not only did not, but also could not have killed John F Kennedy. Many other beliefs as to who killed Kennedy are that the FBI killed him, the CIA killed him, the FBI and the CIA conspired to kill him, the Mafia killed him, the Texas oil barons killed him, and there are many other similar theories.  There are theories that say it was suicide, and theories which scream 'kidnap' and 'torture.'  Some even state that JFK never actually died, but is alive, somewhere else in the world.  But the one true theory has never been picked up upon or talked of until today.  Now, I am about to reveal to the world who it was that _really_ killed John F Kennedy.  

Have you ever heard of a country called Tortall?  Many have, but none believe in it.  A select few hope that it exists, and pretend to believe in it, but not even the enthusiasts truly know that it exists.  But it does.  In an alternate universe, the realm of Tortall does exist.  No gods that we believe in today exist there, and in that realm, magic was never eradicated.  In ours it was, and that was the reason for Kennedy's downfall.  In the realm of Tortall, and evil sorcerer was planning an experiment.  He was a man, a powerful man, known as Duke Roger.  Duke Roger had two ambitions in life.  The first was to become the most powerful man in his world and to rule Tortall.  The second, I hear you ask? The second was to kill a knight, the first lady knight in over a century, who went by the name Sir Alanna of Trebond and Olau.  Sir Alanna he believed would be tricky to dispose of, that he knew.  Killing her would not be easy, because at least three of the gods protected her.  So Duke Roger devised a cunning plan.  

Duke Roger believed in alternate realities, in different world existing on top of each other, an infinite number of them.  He knew of no one who had ever crossed the border between the worlds.  His idea, his plan, was to send Alanna across the border of the worlds, where there were no benevolent gods to keep her alive.  But first, he had to test his theory.  What if it didn't work?  So first, he would bring forth a man from another world.  If he could summon one, banishing a different one would me easy.  So Duke Roger set up his experiment.

Duke Roger completed the complex spell that would bring a man in the next alternate reality over to his own.  The powers that be swirled, searching for the closest target.  That target happened to be in our own world, being targeted under the aim of five different guns, of different makes, by five different people.  John F Kennedy's soul was snatched from his body, even as the bullets hit it.  His awareness was transported into the realms of men, in the kingdom known as Tortall.  

John F Kennedy appeared inside the demon circle as a puff of smoke, for his material self could not be easily transported across the border.  In his own home, he was being killed.  Here, he existed.  Kennedy was scared.  Scared rigid to find himself in a dark dungeon, without a body, inside a circle of chalk from which he could not escape.   He rounded, turned, tried to find someone to pin his fury on.  There was only one available, Duke Roger.  

"What the hell do you think you've done?  Where have you taken me? Where am I?  What happened to my wife?  My car?  And where is my body?  Why?  _What are you?"_

Duke Roger was worrying now, his brow broke into sweat.  Few knew this, but the soul was only defined by its owner's beliefs.  In one found oneself without a body inside a chalk circle, one immediately thought of ancient summoning rituals of devils.  One assumed that if one were inside the circle, one would not be capable of getting out until one was given permission by one's summoner.  Anger bypassed rational thought, anger took over the mind.  And when one consisted entirely of a mind, a mind that had dropped rational thought, one could indeed easily forget one's self and escape the circle.  And Kennedy was fast losing his composure.  

Kennedy was now screaming, "How _dare_ you do this to me?  I am _the president_ of the United States!  I'll kill you!  You won't live to regret this!"  Kennedy was advancing on the Duke, forgetting about the circle in his anger.  Before JFK could realize it, he was outside of the chalk circle.  Duke Roger did not know what this fiend from the other world could do to him.  He banished Kennedy with the remaining magic he had.  Kennedy disappeared, into a different world, one neither Tortall nor the planet we fondly call 'Earth' knows of.  

But Duke Roger had little magic left.  He had used up his entire Gift in summoning Kennedy.  He was desperate to banish the man; he knew that his life was in danger.  So Duke Roger used up much of his life force to supplement his remaining Gift to banish Kennedy.  Do you know what happens when 90% of a person's life force is suddenly gone?  The body cannot function, cannot live.  But in those with great minds, there is suddenly more mind-power than life force.  Nature switches the two powers, to keep her creations alive.  Life is better than thought, in Nature's opinion, and who dares to defy nature?  Duke Roger was left with ten percent of his former intelligence, craftiness, and thought patterns.  

Have you ever heard that to be an evil sorcerer, you have to be partly crazy?  It is a well-known maxim in our world, but it emerges under many different wordings, in many different tongues.  The insanity part of our Duke's mind was not fit to serve as life force. Nature left it in his mind.  So Duke Roger became fully insane, and did not complete either of his ambitions. He was never ruler of Tortall, never the most powerful sorcerer in his world, and he never killed the famed Lioness, who later added Pirate's Swoop to her list of titles.  And Kennedy?  Kennedy still roams the world he was sent to.  It is a dead world, one of ash, dust, and little else.  Kennedy's anger overtook his mind.  It consumed his soul.  To this day, former president of the United States, John F Kennedy roams the surface of the dead world, searching for someone or something to vent his rage on.  


	2. The Energizer Bunny

A/N Okay, this isn't actually very good.  I'm sorry, I promise the next one will be better!  JFK works in a McDonalds… *grin*  If you have any ideas as to what else he could be doing/have done or how he died, please tell me in a review or email your suggestion, and I'll see if I can write it up!  Don't forget… R/R/R!!! 

There are many JFK theories out there, each with points that persuade and dissuade others to their view.  The Mafia, the CIA, the FBI, all are rumoured to have killed JKF.  There are even crazy stories around that Oswald killed him, or even that he still lives and works in a McDonalds in Tel Aviv.  But these, of course, are none of them true.  Do you want to know the real reason?  If you do, read on, because you are about to find out the _real_ killer of John F Kennedy.  

A rabbit killed JF Kennedy.  No, don't laugh, you wouldn't want this particular rabbit after you… not with its record.  Have you ever heard of a pink bunny?  To be precise, the Energizer bunny.  Oh yes, everyone has heard of it.  No-one can forget it.  And why?  Because it is evil, pure and simple.  Oh sure, I hear you say, that's all very well, but _why _would the Energizer bunny _want _to kill JFK?  That, my dears, will surely be explained.  

You see, John Fitzgerald Kennedy owned an electric razor.  He owned numerous flashlights or torches, depending on what you wish to call them.  He had a Walkman, a remote control for his television.  In fact, he had pretty much everything that uses or takes AA batteries.  But that was where JFK made his big mistake.  The war with Vietnam?  That was small, by comparison.  You see, John Fitzgerald Kennedy… used Duracell batteries.  

So you can see why the Energizer bunny saw red.  A president of the United States used Duracell?  If the American citizens found out, it would be the end of the Energizer bunny, and Duracell would have a monopoly on batteries!  So little bunny hired someone (with a lifetime's supply of AA and AAA batteries) to invent a new shotgun… one that could be remotely controlled, using batteries.  It worked.  So, bunny set up three guns in strategic places around Dealey plaza.  One he hid in the trees, on the picket fence behind the grassy knoll.  A second was on the triple overpass, hidden in the cement.  Yep, that pink fluffy bunny has contacts everywhere… it can even bribe road workers!  And the third gun?  That _was_ in the Texas school book depository, except one floor down.  

Each gun shot two bullets.  

So, now you know.  You now know what an enraged bunny can do.  What can you do to protect yourself, and your families?  Is there any way you can escape the fate of JFK?  Yes!  Buy only Energizer batteries, and rid yourself of the fear of the Energizer bunny forever!


End file.
